From The Archives: 2009

Barrel O’ Links: October 2009

Three bubbling Erlenmeyer flasks of linky goodness:

  • Read in the Event Of Moon Disaster (Gawker)
  • Copyright Duration and the Mickey Mouse Curve (Agoraphilia)
  • One of whatever they’re on, please (LiveLeak)
  • Our innocent Bokeh meets Big Retail: the Bokode (MIT)
  • Beautiful, Nonsensical Infographics (Chad Hagen)
  • When You Gotta Go: the Have2P Restroom Locator (Have2P)
  • The New Buck Starts Here (Slate)
  • Comedy in modular building blocks: I LEGO N.Y. (NYTimes)
  • Of Helmets and Donorcycles (MSU)
  • New Light on the Plight of Winter Babies (WSJ)

The Hungry Midwest

America's Heartland And McDonald's

Say what you may about Midwesterners, but one thing is for certain: they love to eat!  With that in mind, I proudly unveil the first in a series of zooms of the McDistance Map – the Midwest United States as visualized by the distance to the nearest McDonald’s:

The Midwestern United States, visualized by distance to the nearest McDonald's. Click on the image for a larger version!

The Midwestern United States, visualized by distance to the nearest McDonald's. Click on the image for a larger version!

At this scale, the individual McFiefdoms become more apparent.  To the northwest, they cluster in tense armistice at Minneapolis, and counter-clockwise from there, at Omaha, Kansas City, St. Louis, Indianapolis, the sundry cities of Ohio, and points east.  Running with the feudal metaphor, imagine the manager of each location, late at night, climbing to the red-tiled roof, donning his crown, and declaring “I am master of all I survey!”  Oh, wait…  That’s what they do at Burger King.  Nevermind!

In the heart of the Midwest, we’re hard-pressed to find a viable McVoid, with the conspicuous exception of the large, pickle-shaped gap at the center of our map: Lake Michigan.  Come summertime, fishermen, jetskiers, and party boaters frolic on its crystal waters by the thousands.  Everyone’s living large and playing hard until, seemingly without warning, things get ugly: they’re offshore and famished.  To the Eager Entrepreneur, would McDonald’s sell a franchise-on-a-barge?  With a Boat Thru, preferably?

Home to eight million hungry mouths, the Chicago Metropolitan Area hugs Lake Michigan’s southwestern shores.  There, in suburban Des Plaines, Ray Kroc, founder of the present-day McDonald’s corporation, opened his first location in April of 1955.  This wasn’t the debut Micky Dee’s, however, for Kroc licensed the concept from brothers “Dick” and “Mac” McDonald, who had already established a small but successful collection of their namesake restaurants.  For more information regarding that somewhat cantankerous saga, read this.

Number of McDonald’s in the entire state of Illinois, sixty years ago: zero.  Within the fifty-mile purview of the Sears Tower’s 103rd-floor Skydeck, today: 424!

On this side of the country, Michigan’s Upper Peninsula wins the dubious distinction of Most McUnderendowed, by a landslide.  Understandably, mind you, for the bears keep tearing apart the restaurants, and the cultivated tastebuds of the discerning Yooper are not easily impressed.  Who needs Micky Dee’s when you got da pasties, eh?

Once again, thanks to AggData for providing the geolocated McDonald’s location information that made these maps possible.  To view the full, coast-to-coast McDistance Map, see my original post, entitled “Where The Buffalo Roamed.”

Storing Your Value

Old-School Wealth Management

Suppose that you snapped.  It might have been the blood-red 401k statement that arrived in yesterday’s mail.  Or that last year, you paid your broker $10,000 to lose $100,000.  Or, perhaps, that while everyone else, by government largesse, refinanced houses, replaced clunkers, and recouped bad investments, you received nothing!  Except for a letter from the tax man.

Some Benjamin Franklins.

Some Benjamin Franklins.

So you went online, made a few phone calls, and faxed your John Hancock here and there.  And, lickety split, there’s a pile of $100 bills in the middle of the living room floor.  You cashed out!  Now, what to do next?

You considered the drastic options: the Insane Vegas Weekend, purchasing a yacht, giving it all to charity, etc.  However, that’s not you — it’d be best to keep a few bucks around to handle the obligations and save the rest for a rainy day.

Which means that your slug of cash needs a safe, secure hiding place. You could squirrel it away in the house — beneath the floorboards, inside a wall, under a mattress, etc.  But them thieves done seen all the TV crime dramas, and they know the usual stashes.  Besides, if your humble abode burns to the ground, your nest egg will go up in smoke, too.  Major bummer!

For the ultimate in cash protection, we need look no further than the masters of liquid wealth, the venerable Pirates.  A quick consult with Parakeet Pete yields the following solution:

Bury your booty in a hole, matey!

Which sounds like a fine idea, but there’s one important, missing detail:  What to bury, exactly?  The $100 bills?  The equivalent in gold?  Or something else?  What is the best store of value?

To help you determine the answer, I’ve created a table that details some of the most likely materials, including the price per pound, the quantity that’s worth $1,000,000, what to bury it in, and the pros and cons of each:

Stuff That You Might Put In Your Hole

Material Value Per Pound Size Of $1,000,000 Bury In Pros Cons
Wheat $0.09 190,000
bushels
subterranean silo never hungry bulky, mildew, mice, locusts
Moonshine $0.13 160,000
7gal stills
corked clay jugs many lovely banjo solos blindness
Gasoline $0.49 320,000
gallons
underground tank Peak Oil, baby! fumes, third degree burns
Ammo $2.10 525,000
shells
surplus ammo cans gun owners need you you need owners with matching gun
Vodka $7.80 1,800,000
shots
Russian-proof bear boxes the Bloody Mary requires V8 and Worcestershire
Jerky $18 27 tons duct-taped lawn bags infinite lifespan everything stinks like jerky
Cigarettes $57 7 pallets basement of abandoned 7-11 captive market nicotine stains
Guns $60 2,500
shotguns
water-tight firearm lockers reinforces Alpha Dog image ATF raids, terrorism indictment
Silver $270 3,700
pounds
rolling plastic totes Werewolves begone! not Gold
Caviar $2,400 1,100
servings
Arctic tundra endear yourself to power elite must ice or eat within 3 hours
CPUs $6,000 4,000
chips
sealed anti-static tray light weight, inert, brainy loses half of value every two years
Cocaine $9,000 50 kilos legs of faux llama keepsakes world-wide demand unstable customers, Scarface
Gold $16,500 275 bars,
100g each
treasure chest time-tested currency metal detectors, confiscation
$100 Bills $45,000 43″ stack mason jars backed by U.S. Government worthless beyond Thunderdome
Diamonds $175,000 black velvet
pouchfull
vault with lasers and trip wires profit, intrigue, girl’s best friend low utility, De Beers assassins
Plutonium $2,000,000 1.3 inch
sphere
argon-filled, lead-lined bunker ultra-compact CIA, critical mass, death by inhalation

Hope that helps!

ObDisclaimer: I am not a financial advisor, and this is not financial advice.  All prices approximately USD as of October 1, 2009.  Burying your life savings in a hole may incur risks, including, but not limited to, mold, worms, plunderers, and loss of map and/or principal.  Underground balance is not FDIC-insured.

Of Mason And Dixon

Yankees And Southerners Are Different!

The six formative years that I spent in the Southern U.S. gave me many things: a deep understanding of cockroaches, impeccable water skills, and a year-round tan.  And, last but not least, the precious, lingering gift of the word y’all.

I could sing the praises of y’all ’til the end of time!  Short for “you all,” it’s a simple, mono­syllabic utterance that evokes lemonade on the veranda, strolls through oaks and Spanish moss, and warm, uncomplicated, friendly times.  The essence of the South wrapped into four tidy letters and an apostrophe!  How could you not help but to love y’all, y’all?

Despite these feelings, my thoughts sometimes wander, and I find myself asking: could there be another such quirky little word buried in the Southern lexicon?

At such questions, I’m predisposed to throwing algorithms, and always on the lookout for an excuse to do some hard-core statistical data-mining.  So, as they say, the game was on!  An urgent signal went out to my crack team of computer scientists, and at our first meeting, we formulated a slightly-more-scientific query:

Could we quantify the differences between Southerner and Yankee, by analyzing the everyday communications of the average Joe?

Hell yeah!  First, we defined the Northeast as New Jersey, New York, Maine, and everything in between, and the Deep South as Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, and the Carolinas.  Then, we gathered our raw data, on sale at a discount, from the aisles of the Internet Dot Com, in the form of 4,000 random blog feeds from a major social networking site, tied to our regions via user profiles.  After a bit of text extraction and some filtering to handle the degenerate cases (e.g. a post with a thousand repeats of “I love guinea pigs!”), we had a 5,000,000-word sample from the Yankees, and another of similar size for the Southerners.

We fed these into the Corpusculator, a custom suite of text-analysis software.  For several minutes, it rumbled, as regional differences percolated, and our bloggy inputs, in mutual opposition, slowly neutralized the smells of teen spirit.

Then, Eureka!  Out popped two lists: one for North and one for South, each cataloging the words that appeared in excess, as relative to the frequencies of the other region.

Via the wondrous Wordle, I built a word cloud for each, and assembled them into a two-chapter novella that I call “A Tale Of Two Regional, Multi-State Areas.”  Click on the picture below to see the whole thing, with the caveat that Northeasterners are quite fond of dropping the F-bomb, which appears prominently:

A section of "A Tale Of Two Regional, Multi-State Areas."

A section of "A Tale Of Two Regional, Multi-State Areas."

What we have here is two solid blocks of differential Zeitgeist, chock full of inter-regional revelations.  Yankees refer more to summer and winter - probably because in Dixie, the seasons are rarely more than a curiosity, but to the north, the difference between August and January is fundamental.  Northerners tend to reference books, while the South seems more preoccupied with the doctor.  Then, there’s the aforementioned profanity – with Yankees preferential to the F-word, and my dear Southerners given to damn, frankly.

As for my precious y’all?  Yup, there it is on the southern side.  A quick scan revealed that its kissin’ cousins – the other quirky Dixie colloquialisms - were all texting shorthand such as lol and omg.  Color me disappointed, but I suppose that’s that price of progress, y’all!

If you liked this post, more of the same will be coming down the pike, so stay tuned!